Not Another Jebby Story

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Not Another Jebby Story

February 7, 2009

Maddapakingshet! Nagmumuka na ‘kong jebs nito. Parang ebak na palutang-lutang sa kasilyas. Walang direksyon. Nag-aantay na lang na i-flush sa kung saan mang poso negro dahil iyon at iyon lang naman ang kahihinatnan. Hindi pwedeng panatilihing nakalutang dahil baka pagpiyestahan ng mga hinayupak na langaw na gustung-gustong gawing panghimagas ang poopoo pie. Tulad ng napakasangsang na ebak ko kaninang pinatingkad pa ang nakakasulasok na amoy ng alak na ininom ko kagabi. Pasintabi sa mga katatapos lang ngumata ng chichacorn (kung bakit chichacorn at hindi ibang pagkain eh wag mo nang tanungin; nasa tamang lasing mode ako ngayon.).

Kagabi lang eh nagkayayaang mag-inuman sa bahay. Three on three ang labanan. Si Tatay na walang puknat sa pagka-cariño kay Tita matapos malasing nang bonggang bongga (Tita ang tawag ko sa asawa ng tatay-tatayan ko; hindi ko nakasanayang tawaging nanay si Tita sa kadahilanang meron naman akong sariling nanay, tatay lang ang wala), si Pareng Gerald na parang batang hindi mapakali sa bagong laruan dahil bukas eh magkakaron na ule siya ng bagong trabaho matapos ang ilang linggong pakikipagpatintero sa ‘di iilang employers; at ako na hanggang ngayon eh taenang inlababo pa rin sa KANIYA.

Hindi planado ang lahat. Bigla na lang naisipang uminom ni Tatay. Nung una’y silang magmanugang lang ang naghaharutan sa mesa pero dahil kelangan nila ng sasaklolo sa pagkabangenge nang maaga at para tumagal maski na isang minuto ang alcoholic tolerance nila, idinamay nila ‘ko. Nagtext si Pareng Gerald sakin habang pauwi ako galing sa pakikipagtaguan pong sa KANIYA. “Pare, umuwi ka na. Miss ka na namin ni Tatay. May isang malaking Long Neck na Emperador ang nag-iintay sa’yo rito. Tsaka isang hot na hot na chick na ready to bembang na for you.” Jokeness lang. Pero alam mo na ‘yan. It’s the thought that counts. Ganiyan, more or less, ang nakasaad sa text. Hinaluan ko lang ng konting palabok para masaya.

Patay! Emperador. Na naman. At malamang sa malamang, wala na namang chaser ‘to. Hindi sa ayaw kong umiinom nang walang chaser. Pero kasi naman. Sa lahat ng klase ng alak na naimbento sa sangkasenglotan, sa brandy ako pinakamahina. Ipalaklak mo na lahat ng klase ng alak sakin, wag lang brandy. Dahil sa brandy, nababangenge ako nang napakaaga. Semplang ako agad-agad at ang pag-inda ko sa amats ng inuming ‘yan eh hindi pa lalampas sa pagbilang mo ng sampung mga daliri mo (walo kung busy-busyhan ang hintuturo at gitnang daliri mo sa pangangalkal). Pero whaddaheck, nakahain na. Alangan namang tanggihan pa ang grasya? Again, once more, for the second time around, repeat refrain except the last stanza, naniniwala ako sa kasabihang kapagka ang palay ibinigay sa’yo nang kusa, kelangang bayuhin.

So ayun na nga. Nakipag-inuman kay Tatay at Pareng Gerald and in between gulps of the shitty intoxicating liquor that goes deep down in your fuckin’ gullet before finally proceeding to attack your innards with that distinct acerbic twinge (sa puntong ito, ipinapaalam ko sa inyong sinasaniban ako ng identidad kong nosebleed fuck-me-Freddy; pero seriously, wala ba talagang nakakamiss sa pag-i-Ingles ko? Lolz!), napag-usapan ang malapit nang maunsyaming buhay pag-ibig ko.

Maraming sinabi ang dalawang mokong na kaharap ko sa mesang namumutiktik sa Sugo, Lucky Me! Extra Hot Chili Pancit Canton, chichacorn at kung anu-ano pang mabibili nang agad-agad sa suking tindahan. Mabilisang digression lang: Oo, hindi ako mapili sa pulutan. Kung ano ang inihain, kakainin ko. Hindi ako kupal na pinainom na nga nang libre eh kung anu-ano pang satsat ang maririnig mo sa hinayupak na bungaga. Kaya sa mga nagbabalak mang-imbita diyan, now you know. Mas mahalaga sakin ang katabing chick sinserong kwentuhan. LOL!

Suma tutal, mahina raw akong dumiskarte. Si Pareng Gerald na nakaisang bebegel na sa Fren kong si Cristina, sinabing dapat daw eh aggressive ako. Sabihin agad-agad ang nararamdaman. Tanungin ora mismo kung mahal daw ba NIYA ‘ko. Hindi ‘yang papatay-patay na parang nakikipagprusisyon sa burol ng lola ng kaibigan ng pinsan ng bilas ng dikong ng kabit ng kapitbahay mo. Na sinang-ayunan naman ng tatay-tatayan kong medyo napapadalas na ang pagkurap ng mata at pagngising parang ngiting-aso dahil sa tama ng alak. Sabi naman seniyo Tay eh, gin na lang dapat binili niyo. Eh di sana di pa kayo pasuray-suray na parang DOM sa ballroom house nang maaga.

Pero siryusli ispiking, taena! Kung ganun lang ba kadali eh matagal ko nang ginawa. Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin na ibang klaseng babae SIYA? Madalas eh hindi mo matimpla ang ugali, mahirap hulihin ang kiliti. Kung sa ibang babae eh pwede mo nang ilabing-labing matapos mo lang pakainin ng Coke Float at Cheese Burger sa McDo diyan sa may Recto, ibahin mo SIYA. Hindi SIYA nadadaan sa simpleng patext-text, padate-date lang. Kelangang patunayan mong mahal mo talaga SIYA. Ang pag-imbita pa nga lang sa paglabas tuwing weekend eh pahirapan na, ang pagtatanong pa kaya kung meron bang reciprocation ang nararamdaman ko sa KANIYA. Nyeta, suicidal para sakin ang pagtatanong sa KANIYA nun! I’m digging my own grave at that circumstance (napadaan ule si nosebleed, fuck-me-Freddy Lio Loco).

Which leads me to saying nagmumuka na nga talaga kong isang napakalaking jebs na nagkandabuhul-buhol na ang mga ugat-ugat dahil sa hirap ilabas. Tsk tsk tsk! Kanina lang eh nagpunta na naman ako sa apartment NIYA. Pusturang-pustura. Poging-pogi. Ubod ng bango na mahihiyang tumabi si Piolo Pascual. Okey payn. Ambilibabol na. Ibahin natin at mas gawing kapani-paniwala. Ubod ng pogi at bango na mahihiyang tumabi si Hugh Jackman at Brad Pitt. Ubod ng bango at poging mauuwi rin lang pala sa wala.

Wala SIYA sa apartment nila kanina at hindi alam ng mga tao sa kanila kung saan SIYA nagpunta. Sinubukan kong tumawag. Yung babaeng taga-Sun Cellular ang sumagot at sinabing ‘yung numero raw na tinatawagan ko eh “ether unattended or out of coverage area.” Badtrip! Sinubukan ko ule. Walastik! Si Mareng Sun Cellular Voice-over pa rin ang sumasagot. Please try your call later daw. Naloko na. Sa Globe kaya? Naknampucha! Pare-pareho lang sila. The subscriber cannot be reached daw. Please try again later ang drama.

Bakit hindi ko SIYA makontak? It’s either hinoldap SIYA at kinuha ang dalawang cellphone NIYA, itinapon ang SIM at nag-wantutri na ang mga hinayupak, nadeadbat ang dalawang cellphone sa parehong oras at parehong pagkakataon, o di kaya nama’y talagang in-off NIYA pareho para hindi ko na ko magmukang dakilang stalker NIYA. Is it just me o tama ang hinala kong hinoldap nga SIYA kaya hindi ko makontak ang mga cellphone NIYA?

Ampotah! Daanin na lang sa patawa. Dahil kung seseryosohin ko pa, hindi ko alam baka maghara-kiri na ‘ko bukas makalawa. O, jokeness lang ule. Alam kong sayang ang mga sperm cells ko kung di makakapunla ng susunod na presidente ng Pilipinas na aahon sa bansang ito mula sa pagka-third world. Pero seryoso, ayoko na talaga ‘tong nangyayari sakin. Para na kong ebak na palutang-lutang sa kasilyas. Walang direksyon. Nag-aantay na lang na i-flush sa kung saan mang poso negro dahil iyon at iyon lang naman ang kahihinatnan. Hindi pwedeng panatilihing nakalutang dahil baka pagpiyestahan ng mga hinayupak na langaw na gustung-gustong gawing panghimagas ang poopoo pie. Tulad ng napakasangsang na ebak ko kaninang pinatingkad pa ang nakakasulasok na amoy ng alak na ininom ko kagabi.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan pa ang pagkahibang ko pero sa puntong ito, ipinababatid ko sa lahat ng mga nag-aabang ng matamis kong OO at nananabik sa katakam-takam kong adam’s apol na malapit na kong mahimasmasan. Itaga niyo yan sa ~~pekpek niyo~~ bato.

Posted by ssdd at 7:12 pm | permalink

Previous Comments

can’t wait for that day na mahimasmasan ka na… pero wag mo muna xa i give up gat kaya mo pa…Ü malay mo pinag iicpan na nia ng bonggang bongga kung sasagutin ka na nia di ba..Ü steady ka lang muna.. pero kung sa tingin mo wala na talagang pag asa, then that’s the time for you to move on…. sama mo na q sa listahan mo ng nag iintay ng matamis mong oo…Ü taking care…Ü

Posted by kuting at February 9, 2009, 6:02 am

FINE!
ITATAGA KO TALAGA IYAN SA PEKPEK KO!!

NAKU LIO…MAG-AANTAY AKO SA PANAHON NA MASAYANG LOVEPOST NAMAN..

KUNG DI MO SIYA MAKUHA SA SANTONG DASALAN, KUHANIN MO SIYA SA SANTONG ISNABAN..

BIGYAN MO MUNA NG PEACE AND TIME..

MAMIMISS KA DIN NIYAN..
MAGHAHANAP DIN YAN..

Posted by vanvan at February 9, 2009, 12:36 pm

yan kasi inom ka ng inom ng hard eh hehe..joke lang ..
tae talaga noh…hindi nga kaya naholdup xa sus marya wag naman sana…

bounce napadaan lang ehhehe…
:)

Posted by anakngpating at February 9, 2009, 2:32 pm

nakakamiss uminom. nakakamiss ang Lucky Me Pancit Canton!

Posted by karmi at February 9, 2009, 11:56 pm

@kuting: hannga’t kaya ko pang maging tanga, hindi ko pa SIYA igigive up. sana nga yang malay mo ay malay din nia. lolz! at natawa naman ako s ahuling statement mo. mahaba na pala ang listahan ng mga nahuhumaling sakin. hahaha.

p.s. at hindi mo pa rin sinasagot ang tanong ko. papano ka napadpad sa kuta ko? lolz!

Posted by ssdd at February 10, 2009, 5:55 am

@vanvan: lolz! itataga mo talaga sa pekpek no? hindi ko alam kelan ako makakapagpost ng masayang lab istori. baka malapit na. baka hindi nga. malay natin. hindi ko alam. hmm…magandang ideya yan. sige. kapag ala na kong alas, susubukan ko ang payo mo.salamat ng marami.

Posted by ssdd at February 10, 2009, 5:56 am

@anakpngpating: eh sa masarap uminom eh, kebs mo? lolz! hindi xa naholdap. malamang sa malamang, nadeadbat cp nia. o talagang ayaw nia muna kong makausap. lolz! pero kahapon, okei na ule. nagtext na xa. un lang. no bounce, no play. salamat sa pagdaan.

Posted by ssdd at February 10, 2009, 5:58 am

@karmi: heto po. bibigyan ko kayo. pero sagot nio ang freight charges. layo kaya ng tate. hehehe.

p.s. anjan po ba si kua komski? pwede pong patanong bat putol ang mga komski kowts na ni-install ko? hehehe.

Posted by ssdd at February 10, 2009, 5:59 am

mahlig lang talaga q magbasa ng blog ng may blog..Ü ndi kz q “writer” kaya super reader na lang ang drama q… na2wa lang aq kz nga officemate pala kita ng bongga..Ü at baka nga nakasabay na kita sa hi tech nating elevator… ka team mate mo ba yung mahal mo?Ü

Posted by kuting at February 10, 2009, 8:58 am

Hahahaha… Panalo ang analogy ng ebak sa buhay ng tao… CLAP! CLAP!!

Posted by peripheralviews at February 10, 2009, 12:42 pm

@kuting: ah okei. malabo pa rin pero hindi ko na uuriratin. baka lalo mo pang makilala identitiy ko. i value my anonymity pa naman. lolz! hehehe. pag nakasabayan mo na ang lalaking medyo chinito na laging nakajacket (pandagdag volume) at laging salubong ang kilay na mukang laging naghahanap ng away, malamang sa malamang, ako na nga yun. hehehe. kateammate ko ba ung mahal mo? yan ang hindi ko alam. hindi nga tayo magkakilala di ba, mahal mo pa kaya? lolz!

Posted by ssdd at February 10, 2009, 8:28 pm

@peripheralviews: uy, may bagong bisita. panalo ba? sige sa susunod. subukan natin ang pagkakapareho ng AIDS at layp. tingnan natin kung mapapaclap clap ka ule. lolz! salamat sa pagdaan.

Posted by ssdd at February 10, 2009, 8:32 pm

taena pareko… eh yung mga walang pekpek, saan itataga?
hehehe

seryoso…
ako din mahina sa brandy.. lalo na sa emperador..try mo yung matador..masmasarap.. masmura at masbanayad..hehehe

teka lang pareko, kung tae ka..dapat lang na ma-flush ka at mapunta ka sa posonegro..hehehe pero alam mo ba? kahit naflush na! nasa posonegro na ang isang bagay kung Dyamente, hinahalukay at hinahanap yun!

hahaha..lols
taena nga nman ohhh
sige aabangan ko lahat ng post mo..
asteeeeeeg..

ps.
masmamimiss ko yung pinoy na Lioloco kung sakali..alam mo ba pareko, kahit hikahos ang pinoy—–kumpara sa mga ‘kanong mayayaman kuno mashappy pa din ang pinoy..hehehe
siguro sa dialect
hehehe

tagaaaaaay!

Posted by koSA.Pogi at February 11, 2009, 10:50 am

@kosa.Pogi: at pinanindigan mo na talaga ang kosa.Pogi ano? taragis. kapag ako nagcomment sa kuta mo, lalagyan ko na rin ng lio loco.Cute! lolz!
ung mga walang pekpek, tagain nio na lang mga betlogs nio. bwahahaha!
ung matador, mejo okei nga. pero red horse pa rin ako. di bale nang mahal, mayaman naman. wahehehe. lolz!
hmmm…malamang dyamante nga ako. hindi lang talga NIYA makita kasi di pa nakikiskis nang todo todo. hehehe.
p.s.
ganun ba? okey payn. sige na sige na. mananagalog na ko. pero ewan ko. gusto ko pa ring mag-english baka makalimutan ko na. lolz!
kampay as tagumpay!

Posted by ssdd at February 11, 2009, 3:14 pm

oo nga naman abnoy, magpapresyo ka kaya
magirap talaga ang ganyan. may mga pangyayayri na some people slam the door, masakit sa tenga pero minsan mas masakit yung sinsara ang pinti ng walang tunog. di mo namamalayan.

magigingok ka. sa ganda ba naman ng adam’s apol mo

Posted by tinay at February 12, 2009, 5:20 pm

*magiging ok (hihihi)

Posted by tinay at February 12, 2009, 5:20 pm

@tinay: ok payn. pinepresyuhan ko ang katawan ko ng limang libo. any bidders? lolz!
naks naman. maski sa tagalog maaxdo ka pa ring matalinghaga magsalita miss modern patadyong. pero gets ko ang gusto mong tumbukin. sa ngayon, hindi pa naman niya ipinipinid ang seradura kaya mejo okei pa. ayan. magdugo sana ang ilong mo sa tagalog ko. leche! hehehe.
hahaha! at adam’s apol talaga ang main alindog ko no? hakhak!

Posted by ssdd at February 12, 2009, 5:42 pm

*ayun. magiging ok pala. kanina ko pa hinuhulaan kung anong klaseng tagalog word ang magigingok. isa ba tong pandiwa o pang-uri? hahaha.
sa susunod dahan-dahan sa pagtipa. obyus na gustung-gusto mo nang mabasa ko comment mo eh. di magkandaugaga sa pagmamadali. jokeness. lolz!

Posted by ssdd at February 12, 2009, 5:43 pm

tadyakan kaya kita after kung magbakdayb with my violet t-back on. hahaha. kase yung fingers ko di singbilis ng utak ko hahaha. fill in the blanks. pasensya sa mga typo, sinasadya ko yan kase alam ko naman na maiintindihan mo ang ibig kong ipaabot. (hayan lumusot ka pa ilonggang kulangot) haha.

at may pandiaw, pang-uri ek-ek-ek ka pa ha. o define mo kaya yung pangatnig at ano ang mga halimbawa nit. gamitin mo sa payak na pangungusap. haha.

sana magka adam’s apol din ako. haaaay

Posted by tinay at February 12, 2009, 10:05 pm

@tinay: wahahaha! pwede. yan ang mga napapala ng mga sobrang excited magcomment. wahahaha! oo. naintindihan ko naman. gusto ko lang ipagduldulan sa’yong nagkatypo error ka nga. lolz!
ayan. ano na naman yang pandiaw na yan? kelan pa nagkaroon ng pandiaw sa balarilang filipino? bwahahaha!
wag mo kong susubukan. papatulan ko yan. ang pangatnig ay kataga o salita na nag-uugnay sa salita sa kapwa salita, parirala sa kapwa parirala, at sugnay sa kapwa sugnay. halimbawa: at, o, ni
ikaw man o ako ay walang kinalaman sa mga walang kakwenta-kwentang pangyayari rito sa mundong ibabaw.
oha oha! anong akal mo sakin? di nag-grade wan?
magpa-adam’s apol transplant ka. kunin mong donor ang isa sa mga makukulet na singgit. lolz!

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