I won 2.45 Million Euros and I’m Donating Them to Effin’ Charity of Stupidity

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I won 2.45 Million Euros and I’m Donating Them to Effin’ Charity of Stupidity

January 10, 2009

Over the week, I have been notified by three people via email regarding some things that I should be supposedly joyous about.

Mr. Erwin Broek, whose name reminds me of fagottry man-to-man action in Brokeback Mountain, told me that my “email address attached to a Ticket Number: 6400213 has won an Award Sum of 1,000,000.00 (One Million euro) inn the Sponsor Lotterij Email Sweepstakes program which was held on the 5th of January 2009” and that I should “please contact the claim officer through the below given contact information.” Oddly similar to Mr. Brokeback’s letter is Mrs. Berg Lucy’s that told me I “have won the Sum of (1,000,000:00 Euro only) in our Netherlands Postcode Loterij E-Mail Prize Program” and was advised to contact 031-616-939-667, wherever that fuckin’ phone number connects to, to claim my prize. Mrs. Patricia Mellor, on the other hand, was rather creative and did not pattern her letter to the other two’s form of “loterij” gimmickry by telling me that I have “emerged a winner of a winner of Four Hundred and Fifty Thousand Euros(€ 450,000.00) from Uplift National Award Promotion”.

If I am a stupid clusterfuck who is so gullible to believe in whatever he hears, watches, and reads, then I should be two-million-and-four-hundred-fifty-thousand-euro richer just this week alone. And if I should do the Math and convert the currency that kicked dollar’s ass to Philippine peso at the current exchange rate of 1 EUR=63.55 PHP, then I should be endowed with at least approximately 155 million pesos. That’s on top of the five-digit salary I slave out for every month.

Under normal circumstances, and by normal I mean playing out the psyche of a stereotypical common “tao”, I would have surely jumped out of sheer ecstasy and would have even ejaculated pre-cum juice at the slightest cognition of the huge money I will be getting. Once I get the moolah, I would have bought my very own mansion that will have Manny Pacquiao’s domain to shame and would have splurged on a hot Lamborghini Diablo to bait more sexy vixens for a dusk-till-dawn uninterrupted coitus action. I would have slapped hot poster girls with my ~~throbbing dick~~ thick bundles of cash and hire them for escort service, week after week changing them – from Cristine Reyes to Angel Locsin to Marian Rivera to Katrina Halili and heck, even to Megan Fox – like I am just changing my wardrobe. Predictably, if I am, indeed, a brown-skinned bozo, I would have used some of the money to start a business and donate a hefty sum as tithe to the Church that added nothing to my holistic growth except only to reiterate how I am inches from sinking into the lavas of hell for being a friggin’ sinner. If you’re lucky and you’re my friend, I will give you Maureen Larrazabal and Gwen Garci (yes, both of them) in one steamy night for free. That’s your payback for being a loyal lapdog to me.

But then again, I am not a stupid clusterfuck. I am skeptical with the things I encounter every day and I strain the senseless and sensible first before I put them into my memory bank. Why should I be giddy over email notices that I won in three different lottery tickets when, in fact, I haven’t even joined any since gawd-knows-when. I suck at number games and I am not good at taking chances; why the heck should I bother to spend my hard-earned cash for some 6/42 lottery, of which the probability of me winning would be one in effin’ 50 million people? I’d rather buy a ~~Trust condom~~ McFlurry sundae than pray to some inexistent Valhalla’s to let me win in the fucked up contest of probabilities and improbabilities.

Suddenly, you realize that yes, indeed, humanity is at the brink of extinction. The world is a few ticks away from the biblical Armageddon and the signs are showing. People becoming more and more stupid by the minute. Pathetic twits being extorted to desperate measures of foolishness. Victims unscrupulously taken advantage of by cunning creatures of Hell. Now my ingenious proposal to rid the world of these useless creatures of society is justified. The world will be a better place to live in without them, I tell you.

Which leads me to asking, how exactly did Mr. Erwin Broek and Mrs. Berg Lucy and Mrs. Patricia Mellor know that I would want to fly over their place (I suspect they’re from some Scandinavian country as given away by the currency and groping English grammar and their noticeable use of “loterij” to describe a contest where prizes are given or distributed) and get my non-existent 2.45M euros? And why, oh fuckin’ why, am I being tormented with such pathetic, desperate scams when I cannot recall any clusterfuck website that I’ve entered my email address willingly in? Being a respectable, sleep-deprived ISP Tech Support Associate, I would like to think that I have the appropriate knowledge to combat these vile, ill-disguised promotions reeking with too much stupidity, careful enough not to sign up to some Trojan-packed sites for a fucked up newsletter of sorts. I guess the answer will remain a mystery for now. In the meantime, I need to clear my inbox of such atrocious idiocy and send these three unassuming emails to the pits of fuck-me-Freddy SPAM-dom in just a click of a mouse.

And for the love of gawd, Mr. Broek, Mrs Lucy and Mrs. Mellor, please brush up your English grammar and do yourselves a favor – just in case you did become successful in fooling someone of such pathetic proofs of imbecilic tendencies, go find some cheap motel and film your very own threesome sex video. You’ll become rich quicker using that strategy instead.

And by the way, it’s lottery not loterij, you effin’ morons.

Posted by ssdd at 8:46 pm | permalink

Previous Comments

hahahahaha. did you know? i am writing about uk bingo and uk lotto? this post reminds me of my mother, a die-hard fan of taya para sa swerte. madaming ganyan no, meron ding mga email na mamamatay at ipapamana sa iyo ang mga ari-arian. sana ARI na lang. haha. pero napapangiti ako ng mga spams ha. (yes, right, binabasa ko ang mga ito more than chain emails) hahaha. at oo na, adik na ako kase may built-in akong “high” kaya di ko na kelangang humithit ng katol o solvent. haha.

Posted by tinay at January 11, 2009, 4:43 pm

adeeek! hehehe. ari talaga no? hndi ako swerte sa ganiang mga taya taya kaya hindi ako sumasali. life is what you make it after all, it’s not about chances. at hindi ako natutuwa sa mga email na ganto. dahil minamaliit nila ang talino ko. hindi ako stupido. harhar!

Posted by ssdd at January 12, 2009, 3:07 pm

punong puno yung spma section ng email ko ng mga ganyan.. natatamad na nga akong magbukas ng email kase kundi hindi notifier sa mga social networking site na sinalihan ko mga spam na nanalo ako sa email ang lahat.

marian? marinig ko lang yung pangalan ni marian nasusuka na ko.. lol. i used to like marian rivera pero para syang twilight overrated na..

Question: Totoo bang buntis si Marian Rivera kay Dingdong?
Anwer: SMILE

dahil pantasya mo si marian eto oh http://i36.tinypic.com/15ow9si.jpg picture nya para sayo..

Posted by FerBert at January 13, 2009, 8:16 am

yeah, ayt..butihin din sana ang mga grammars para medyo may katuturan naman..

sa horoscopes ako madalas maloko eh..

♥

Posted by vanvan at January 14, 2009, 11:50 am

@ferbert: at mahilig ka talagang makipag-socialize. ako allergic ako sa tao. lalo na ung mga obvious istupido. hehehehe.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
kebs! kepyas pa rin yun na dapat sisirin. lol! at wala akong pakialam kung hindi xa marunong mag-english o buntis xa kay dingdong dantes. ikakama ko lang naman xa. hehehe. putanginang siraulo ka talaga ferbert! sabi ko na nga ba't katarantaduhan na naman ang link. minomolestya mo ang virgin kong isipan. hahahaha!

Posted by ssdd at January 15, 2009, 6:20 am

@vanvan: pacenxa na. perpekto talaga kong tao. kaya hindi ako naniniwala sa kasabihang “nobody’s perfect”. because i am perfect! wahahaha! pet peeve ko talaga ang mga taong nag-iingles-inglesan hindi naman pala marunong. mas mabuti pang magtagalog ka na lang kung di mo kayang panindigan. o di kaya mag-italian. mas nakakalibog pang pakinggan! lol!

Posted by ssdd at January 15, 2009, 6:22 am

@Ferbert: DISTURBING YUNG PIC MO. Haha. Tiningnan ko naman.

Anyway, it’s still a nice feeling. You know, winning 1 million euros. However, I receive my lottery-related spams from Nigeria. Huhmazing.

Posted by Kevin at January 16, 2009, 12:55 pm

@kevin: disturbing talaga ung pic. kapagka galing ung link kay ferbert, nag aalangan akong buksan lalo na pag may katabi ako. alam ko kasing kamanyakan ang laman. hehehe. dunno, i find the feeling sort of degrading. first off, you’re given a prize for a lottery that you’ve never even joined in. on the other hand, i’d forgive them if they’d be more creative in fooling other bozos. haha!

Posted by ssdd at January 17, 2009, 6:32 am

*People are always telling you what to do, but what’s right for them may not be right for you.

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Breathing The SSDD Mantra

I won 2.45 Million Euros and I’m Donating Them to Effin’ Charity of Stupidity

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