You Only Have Zero Pesos in Your Account. Please Reload a New Yadda Yadda Clusterfuck Shit!

I tried to experiment last New Year’s Eve. I didn’t text the people I know until I got a half-meant, forwarded New Year greeting from them (Of course, SHE was the exception to the rule! Gawd knows how much I’d love HER texts to fill my gawddamn inbox.); just so I could prove I am still the narcissistic, angst-ridden bastard that they value and can’t afford to lose. Ha! So yes, I am still valuable apparently.

 Along with this conspicuously increasing, shameless claim to self-importance is my sudden decision to change cellphone numbers. Yes, I am a Sun SIM user right now and that’s all because of HER. My maternal folk and my sister back home in the province might be wondering why all of a sudden I have been dead in their inboxes; the crazy, idiosyncratic gang might have been clueless as well why all of a sudden I’ve become incognito for the past few days. Heck, even I, myself, am baffled by the quick resolution to switch mobile networks.

 I digress: I have always been a Smart user since time immemorial not really because I liked the network but more so because most of my contacts are apparently cheap bitches and bastards who can’t get enough of unlimited texting and more recently, AllTXT 100’s. For chrissake, the available cellphone networks currently monopolizing the market today are all fuckin’ mediocre. You go to the US and you wonder how those freakin’ bozos get to have the best deals when here we are; people who go gaga over someone’s vomiting Muzta n? Eat knb? text in a country touted as the texting capital of the world; contenting ourselves with cheap, Third world service. Where in the world do you see a network signal so weak you’d rather trump on your cellphone out of too much frustration instead? Or a text you sent a few hours ago would travel through time warp shit and arrive at the recipient’s inbox after two friggin’ afterlife cycles? And I’m not even starting on their lousy fucked up customer service. I should know; I work for one of America’s largest telecommunications company.

 So yes, I own a Smart and, just because my bitchy, loyal Globe user sister bugged me to buy one, a Globe primarily because my freakin’ friends’ numbers cannot be consolidated into just one network. Two SIMs would rather be sufficient, why bother to buy another one, you might ask. Well, here’s the compendium (Sheesh! I’m guilty of molesting a big word over and over again after just knowing what it exactly means; COMPENDIUM is that current big word.):

 You are very well aware that on the eve of the New Year, SHE has finally texted me, wishing me well as I usher Year 2009 in, right? While I would not like to emphasize that I felt Nirvana to the nth level at HER sudden, unexpected gesture, even half-finishing that night’s media noche after my taste buds got devirginized mercilessly by Johnnie Walker (fine, I can’t get HER out of my head these days), I had to immediately reciprocate the special Happy New Year greeting before SHE gets a deluge of other recycled New Year text forwards. I needed to call HER, and ask HER how SHE’s doing, and how exactly SHE’s celebrating the New Year, and keep the conversation going by just keeping on talking and uttering insignificant yadda yadda’s.

 SHE texted me with HER Globe number so I went down the apartment and headed straight to the nearest sari-sari store for a hundred peso load for my Globe number as well. This is saying something since as I’ve mentioned in my previous post, I do not let go of my hard-earned moolah that easy. Again, my runaway father is half-Chinese and I have inherited more than the usual dose of his friggin’ cheap thriftiness, I guess.

 So I clambered up our abode hole giddy and excited to 236-call HER and finally satiate my yearning for HER voice. Apparently, though, I forgot where the fuck did I stash my gawddamn Globe SIM and while it is already loaded with enough call minutes, I cannot, for the love of gawd, call HER yet. Suddenly, I am reminded yet again of my clusterfuck case of alarming superiority-turned-stupidity. Calming down, I asked my sister back home if she saw the gawddamn SIM and what do you know, fucked up of all fucked up’s, yes, my gawddamn Globe SIM was apparently left back home!

 Thus explains my sudden switching to Sun for in the absence of calling HER via Globe, SHE still apparently has her Sun SIM as back up. So yes, I am in a happy state right now, in answer to some fucked up nakikipagkaibigan-slash-stalker’s cryptic question. I am happy because sans the usual friend quotes that I regularly receive everyday with my Smart number, I get to talk with the woman who is currently giving me weakening bouts of Shakespearean flittings of romance every day.

 As in all other networks, Sun is mediocre. But given my current plight, and choosing between the lesser of three evils (four, if you’re counting the new Red Mobile network), I can tolerate Sun’s erring flaws with only just a little crabbiness. To end this post, I’d like to share the odd text exchange snippets that I had with the aforementioned nakikipagkaibigan-slash-stalker. Read between the lines and notice how crabbily narcissistic and angst-ridden bastard I really am. Ha!

Nakikipagkaibigan-slash-Stalker: Hi!
Me: *no reply*
Nakikipagkaibigan-slash-Stalker: *forwards a mushy love quote*
SMe: *still not budging*
Starting to become anoying Nakikipagkaibigan-slash-Stalker: *forwards a love quote double the mushiness yet again*
Beginning to become crabbily obnoxious Me: *texts back a just-for-the-heck-of-it-I-am-currently-unlimited-so-might-as-well-maximize-my-effin’-load’s-worth Hello*
Asshole Nakikipagkaibigan-slash-Stalker: Musta ka?
Smartass Me: Ok lng. Kw, musta k?
A: Ok dn lang. Msya kb?
S: Oo, msya aq. Kw, msaya kb?
A: Oo nmn. Ano ginagawa mo? 
S: Nagtetext. D obvious no? Ahahaha! (you must understand I had to add the pseudo-laughter so as not to sound too intimidating..haha!)
A: Tlga ah. Musta work mo?
S: *becomes curious on the texter’s identity; how the hell does s/he know that I work?* Dayoff.
A: Ah. Pwd makipakybgan?
S: Ang OA mo nmn. Nagmamaang-maangan k pa. Mkkpgkbgan k eh klala mo nmn aq. Ahahaha!
A: Ang sungit mo nman.
S: Hnd aq mbait sa mga taong di nagppkilala nang maaus. Mas lalo aqng suplado s mga taong nagkukunwaring d aq klala. Ahahaha!
A: Mgppaklala n nga aq.Mxado kang hayblad.
S: Ahahaha! Ppano nmn aq naging high blood? May high blood bng tumatawa  hbang nagttxt? Ahahaha!
A: Cool. Cguro gwapo ka.
S: Hnd aq gwapo. Hnd rn aq panget. Cute lng. Ahahahaha!
A: Cute? Cnong my sbi?
S: Di mo n klngang mlaman kung cno ngsbng cute aq. Ala nmn aqng obligaxun saung sbhin kung cno un. Ahahahaha!
A: *changes the topic* Anong bansa ang may kpansanan?
S: Bt skn mo tnatnong? Aq b teacher mo? Ahahaha!
A: Hehe. Eh di Cuba. *sends another lame text joke*
S: *gets bored with the lame text chat*
A: Ndi mo alm un no? Ahahahaha! Alam mo b ang mga alamat?
S: Tapos n q nian nung elementary. Bt di mo itanong sa teacher mo? Ahahahaha!

 *Asshole Nakikipagkibigan-slash-Stalker gets intimidated by Smartass Me and shies away. Lame text chat ends.*

 Off-topic:

 Browsing through my regular blog reads, I have stumbled upon Kua Badoodle’s reply on my comment regarding his Yearender post. I am a sucker of Kwentong Barbero’s quirky, laugh-out-loud stories borne straight out of wicked reality TV celluloid and I will not lie in telling you that I was freakin’ elated to read the two-liner reply from the man that I find worthy of blogging adulation. By his posts alone, you can verily tell this guy has gone through a lot of fucked up life’s shit and crappiness and withstood them all, emerging as a mythical bastard demigod from Hades’ hell in the process. Younger version of the mythical Badoodles? Ha! Grind your guts to death clusterfuck spiteful bozos!

lio loco: hapi new year din sau kua badoodz at sa bebemo at sa magiging bebe baby mo. natutuwa ako at nakilala ko ang blog mo ngaung taon nang di sinasadya. salamat sa inspirasyon, makukulit na kuwento, at libreng hagalpak. sa uulitin etong year of the ox.