Of Fucked Up Christmas Tragedies, Stephen King Nuggets, and Young Masturbation Dreams « lio loco

Breathing The SSDD Mantra

chronicling the raves and rants of a narcissistic, angst-ridden bastard in orgiastic moans recluse as he drifts to the SSDD mantra... life can be boring, especially if you're bland to begin with. the world is round and it can make you a fool if you let it. stab the snooze. make a mark. crawl out of your TV celluloid and live a wicked life. because life's a bitch and you have to be a bitchier fuck-me-Freddy to live. viva la vida!

Home » Post Item » Of Fucked Up Christmas Tragedies, Stephen King Nuggets, and Young Masturbation Dreams

Of Fucked Up Christmas Tragedies, Stephen King Nuggets, and Young Masturbation Dreams

December 25, 2008

I just celebrated the Christmas that fuckin’ sucked the most last night. Fuckin’ sucked like I could jump on top of a three-storey building and no fuck-me-Freddy soul would even care if my gory innards got splattered and my slimy cranial juices oozed on the gawddamn floor. Pretty typical case of SSDD, I’d tell.

Last night was spent with a great deal of soberness and pondering. Much to my chagrin, almost all of the people I was expecting to bump with were either in unproclaimed hiatus or were far away from home. What I foresaw as a Christmas at least filled with reunion chats and beer overdose turned out to be just a hoax prediction of some cheap clairvoyant in Quiapo. The high school buddies I wished to see spent Christmas leaving the town. My Baguio brothers are not in Baguio anymore and just as I have feared, the forged fellowship is now meant to broken. Worse, I tried calling HER only to be greeted by some automated drone telling me that the subscriber cannot be reached so could I please try my call later. Geez, so much effort about filing for vacation leaves this Christmas.

Save for Fred, the high school buddy who has considered me his eternal pal, everyone else was nowhere to be seen. No Hacel or Sheena or other high school potpourri folks to while the night with after the mass. Yes, Virginia, you read that right. As much as I despise this overrated holiday with a high dose of unadulterated revulsion, I have dragged my ass to the refuge of sinners and dopes not so much as to hear the father’s recycled homily but more so as a result of my closest high school friend’s unnerving nagging. Allow me to repost my Christmas Scrooge litany:

I have grown to become the most fucked up shrinking Scrooge this side of the archipelago and to be honest, I don’t celebrate Christmas with much gaiety; I just actually sleep after eating whatever has been served in the Noche Buena table (save, of course, if there are any drinking marathon to attend to). I’ve learned early on that the beer-bellied Santa every stupid child adores is nothing but a pumping pedophile marketing ploy for capitalists to earn more moolah.

For this narcissistic fuck-me-Freddy bastard, Christmas (like the friggin’ Twilight saga) is overrated. I mean, really now folks, we’re fooling ourselves if this is the only time of the year that we practice our selfless I’m-giving-you-this-gift grandstanding. If you really are that proverbial Good Samaritan, you can choose to be selfless and caring and giving and whatever positive adjective is usually being over-used during this season any time of the year and not only when the advent of Christmas arrives. But fuck you and all your smooching clan if you’re one of those who think they’re gawd-sent goodie-goodie creatures of society giving their piece of wealth and spreading pseudo-humanitarian good cause and good words to the poor and destitute only when December marks your calendars.

So there we were, Fred and I, sitting in one of the porches situated on the left wing of the church amidst a throng of rumor-mongers’ unending yadda yadda yadda. Stereotypical people who are far worse than the mecha’s of A.I. for being contented with a monotonous life without progress. Piteous folks who’d rather be still and not move while slowly being swallowed by the sinking quagmire of dreamless thoughts and vapid social norms.

In the middle of the reverend’s give-love-on-Christmas-day litanies that only a few of the multitude pseudo-pious-slash-genuine blatherskites have the resolve not to bore through, we had snippets of conversations of what’s ups and what-nots. He told me I changed, not only because I had the Zack clone do that I have loathed since its creation but more so because blatantly, I was speaking in an unrestrained tongue that spoke of failed dreams and bitchy life and hopes becoming hoaxes. I told him I was becoming tired, that being a “call boy” is slowly getting the nerve out of me. I confided life in Manila is already dragging me to death and I thought I deserved something better and I had no choice but to live with the same shit every different day. He felt the drudgery, the boredom that stabs and replied back, “At least you are still out there, trying to live out your dreams, not incarcerated here. Unlike me who has always liked to escape from this provincial stagnancy but being kept enchained still.”

Such horrendous truth. Sharp-stabbing truth that had me speechless for awhile. Truth, as they say, will set us free. I believe that it will. But at certain points, this fuckin’ truth is what has been imprisoning us behind bars of absurdity and pitch-black void. Queer, isn’t it? There we were, two young men in random musings about our how our lives are taking shape so far, oblivious of wasted spits and mutual post-Christmas mass coitus, and I could not help but be serious and ponder. The fact that life is a bitch had ruptured me in such unawareness that I had to think hard where the fuck exactly was I heading. Quite exactly, I ask my alter-ego, where do you think you’re going, you double douche bag friggin’ bastard?

I’m already in my early twenties and this fact just makes me all the more unsure of myself. My youth is my recluse and I am using it as an excuse to living this life as immaturely as I deem it to be. I rant about life being such a clusterfuck bitch because that is the only way I know to deal it with. I have dreams, big dreams that no sooner will become ashes forgotten if I let it happen. Reminds me of Stephen King and his indirect allusion to such stark truth. Dreams are for kids and once you become an adult it shrinks. And you can never go back to pursuing it anymore.

So I have to move, to be always on the run, grinding, seizing to halt, because time is not on my side. If I want to realize my dreams, then I should do something to make them a reality. If I don’t want to be part of the fuckin’ statistics of lifeless drones and braggart bastards, then I have to learn the trick of life’s trade. This is not how I would want my life to end up being. And this is not how I thought this Christmas post would turn out. But then again, there’s always you who molds it, and directs it, until it becomes something that is oddly reflective of you.

Someday, somehow, I will read this post with either eventual maturity over petty youth rants and whining verbal diarrheas or with a destitute defeat forever in search of life’s fucked up significance, forever a vagabond of perished dreams and hopes gone hoaxes.

Sheesh! I’m becoming a tad deep, I see. Oh well, so much fuss about this fuckin’ Christmas tragedy. In the mean time, excuse my Plato idiosyncrasy. I deserve a friggin’ cold Stallion bottle – with or without company.

Posted by ssdd at 9:23 pm | permalink

Previous Comments

indeed life’s a bitch and we all die bro.. but its our own choice too if we want to die happy and content or die whining and miserable..

astig artik bro..hindi dahil bida ako pero astig talaga..

definitely, your dreams my dreams will come true.

just be patient.. Fate is testing you..

Just pass the board and then lets have beer together…hehhehe

Posted by Fred Thirst at December 26, 2008, 3:21 pm

you’re the nth person who mentioned about this season and feeling fucked up. i wonder why. i have been blue these days too. i know one reason why and it’s just out of control, i feel helpless. one day, i decided to ask some old friends. we bought 3 in 1 ice cream, went to the sea and ate it with some junk food. we’re all in our early 20’s and we all feel lost. but i know what i want. to see towns and cities and sunsets, kiss someone i really love and take a bath daily and smile. i wonder why it’s too hard to achieve these days. not the take a bath thing bit, btw.

Posted by tinay at December 27, 2008, 11:22 am

@fred thirst: just for purposes of curiosity, i think i wanna try dying miserable and whining. joke lang xempre.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
astig ka jan! pinplastik mo na naman ako porke bida ka. hahaha. pero salamat na rin sa flattery.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
your dreams, my dreams, everybody’s dreams…world peace na lang pwede? hehehe.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
pacenxa yang puke ng inang patience na yan. patience is a virtue and i’m not a virtuous man. and yes, i think i wanna test fate as well. magtestingan na lang kaming dalwa. lol!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
next year, malapit na bro. makikita mo na pangalan ko sa obituary, este…sa front page ng dyaryo pala. topnotcher na! hahaha! asa! let’s drink to that!

Posted by ssdd at December 27, 2008, 3:35 pm

@tinay: i think that’s a natural reflex of early 20 peeps towards dealing with their pathetic lives. they whine and feel fucked up and feel blue and void. your dreams are honest and simple and true. i wish you the earnest faith that you realize it sooner than you expect it. my dreams are grandiose and complicated and ambitious. i hope i can have the determination and courage to pursue it. here’s to the realization of our far-fetched dreams. *stallion kampay*

Posted by ssdd at December 27, 2008, 3:42 pm

your so negative guys!!!!

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